Polka Dots and Lemonade

This past weekend I was lucky enough to attend the Elevate Blog Conference, here in SoCal. It was my second year to go, and I loved it just as much as last year! Aside from the fun craft, service project, mingling with other bloggers, eating delicious food, etc., I love that I am able to gain new knowledge when it comes to blogging.

One of the main things I took away this year, while not necessarily “new” to me, was to BE YOURSELF – readers appreciate those who don’t pretend to be someone they’re not. I don’t feel that I pretend to be anyone other than ME here on this little blog of mine, and I want to make sure that I am always being as real as possible – whether it’s good, bad, or even downright ugly.

Most of you know that I have had a pretty rough couple of months, as we work through both progress and setbacks with Monkey’s Sensory Processing Disorder. On top of that, this transition to Cali, although a fun and exciting one, has not been an easy one for me. I have great days, I have frustrating days, and I have downright awful days filled with loneliness, depression, and pity parties. But, I don’t think I’m in the minority on this. After all, I’m only human.

So, when I was reminded to BE YOURSELF, it got me thinking about a comment that was left for me on this post, which you can also see below:

So Rachel, I’ve been following your blog for a while, this whole incident with the ‘Mean Girl’ on Facebook really makes you look like a whiner. You obviously care waaaayyy to much about this woman. Like you you said, it’s Facebook, who cares?? It’s embarrassing that a 30 year old would put this amount of energy into a social media outlet simply for being blocked. Since you see this person, why have you never asked about? Instead you cry about it on your blog? If you’re so awesome, this wouldn’t bother you at all? Now I’m sure you’re going to have choice words for me for calling you out but, I actually am awesome and won’t give fuck. Put more energy into your child, husband, and getting a life.

I’ve been sitting on this comment for a few days, unsure of what to do with it, but ultimately I decided to approve it. I have not contacted the person who sent it to me, because I don’t feel that it would be productive to do so – I’m not looking to get into a comment or email war with them. But, with that being said:

Do I think this person has a point? Yes.

Was I being a whiner? Yes.

Should I let something as stupid as Facebook get to me? No.

Am I entitled to have “off” days? Yes.

And so, this brings me to a few other things, in addition to what you already know about me (and with the chance of sounding like a whiner, yet again), that I would like to share with you.

• I am generally a pessimist

• I am often depressed – even more so since moving to Cali

• I have a lot of insecurities about myself

• I often use my dry sense of humor, and need to be the center of attention, to try to cover up those insecurities

• While I generally have no filter as to what comes out of my mouth, I never do or say ANYTHING to intentionally hurt someone

• I have a ridiculous need to try to make everyone like me

• Not having made close friends out here yet, even though I know that I will with time, is something that really bothers me

• When I find out that someone doesn’t like me, especially when I can’t come up with an explanation as to why, it hurts my feelings more than I can even explain

• I let other people get under my skin way too easily

• I obsess over things that I cannot change, often to an extreme, and it pisses me off to no end that I do this

• I often talk a big game, with little to no follow through, because it makes me feel better

• I have a good heart, and when people take the time to truly get to know me, behind the smartass front I put up, they will find that I am one of the most loyal people they will ever know – often to a fault

I remind myself multiple times a day that I cannot change who others are, or why they do the things they do. I have had countless conversations with my mom about how I don’t “understand” why someone does or says something, which usually results in her getting so annoyed with me. (She still loves me though, even though I’m constantly beating a dead horse)

On most days, I just tuck all of the insecurities, sadness, and anger away and try not to think about it. However, I am only human. I have days of weakness. Days when I let stuff get to me that doesn’t really matter in the big scheme of things. Days when I say things that I really shouldn’t say. Days when I am so frustrated, angry, sad, lonely, or depressed that I lash out through meaningless words, just to hopefully get attention from someone.

And, yes, days when I’m a whiner.

But, you know what? To know me is to love me – and you either do or you don’t. I am always thankful for the people in my life who haven’t judged me without really getting to know me. Although I am FAR from perfect, and there are many things about myself that I am constantly working on, I don’t make any apologies for who I am.

After all – THIS IS ME.